i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
