the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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