When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
‪He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life‬
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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