Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
