At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
