awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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