i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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