just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
we're chasing vodka with high fives
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Just invented taco cereal.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
