she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
barbara walters just said penis...
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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