My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
