Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
