Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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