I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
