I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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