i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
