I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
