She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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