There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
