I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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