True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
