you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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