Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
