I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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