i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Randomize
