question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
