found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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