Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
