I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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