new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
