I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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