i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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