Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
