The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
