it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
