Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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