Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I am midnight drunk by noon
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
