My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
