I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
