I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
