Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
