Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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