I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
love makes seman taste better
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
