captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
