i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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