you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
