walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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