She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
