I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
