At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
