Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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